Even Elves Need Help Sometimes
by Eglagaladiel
Summary: AU, but not too outrageous. If you like Mary Sues, then you shouldn't read this. Legolas has to deal with the effects of having too many female admirers. Please R&R and enjoy! Chapter 6 now up!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the LOTR characters. If I did, I wouldn't be posting here. So there you go! If you see an elven name that's not from LOTR then I took one of my friends' names and stuck it in a name generator. Enough said.

A/N: OK. So I'm going to go ahead and get the first 3 chapters up here so you can see where I'm going with this. First thing I've ever posted, no be nice. ï Please R&R, of course! Alrighty, so let's get started!

Chapter 1:

The sun streaming through the window kept getting brighter and brighter, but Legolas refused to open his eyes. He knew that he had to see the healer today, and he_ hated_ the healer. Well, OK, he didn't hate the healer, but he hated all that "touchy-feely" stuff about exploring your feelings and talking through your problems. Legolas felt that any problem that could not be solved with a bow and arrows, a sword, or maybe a nice bath simply need not be addressed. But his father disagreed. There had been certain _distractions_ in Legolas' life lately that had been interfering with his royal duties, and his father was not having any more of it. Things had been so much simpler when they had that ring to worry about, but this was a New Age.

Legolas hoped that if he just hid in bed, maybe his father would forget. But before that hope could really take hold, there was a loud knocking at his door. Without giving Legolas time to say "come in", or "go away", as the case may be, Thranduil strode in and said, "My son! It is a lovely morning! What are you doing still in bed?" When that elicited no response from Legolas, his father's tone became a little less warm. "Now look here. You are not 200 years old anymore. I know that you do not enjoy visiting the healer, but this is a problem that must be solved. And no, you may not solve it with a sword! Or a bath!" When one has been a parent for several thousand years, one can see these things coming.

At this revelation, Legolas groaned and threw back the covers. Without a word, but with a very pointed glare, he got out of bed and began to ready himself. Thranduil took several large, purposeful strides towards the door and then stopped. Without turning around he sighed and said, "Legolas, this is not just about your life being consumed. It consumes mine, too. Never knowing where you will be, guests constantly in my halls, and on, and on! You will be glad when this is over, I promise you." After another short pause, he left Legolas' room and closed the door behind him.

As he walked quickly back to his own chambers, Thranduil couldn't help but wonder if he was being too harsh. After all, he could remember the foolish things that he did when he was only a few thousand years old. But this was a different Age and Legolas needed to handle his problems with more diplomacy and discretion.

Legolas stared at the door, glassy-eyed, for a few more seconds and then shook his head suddenly to clear it. Resigned to the fact that he would be visiting the healer, Legolas began to dress. Meanwhile, he muttered to himself, "Two hundred years old! I'll tell him who's acting like he is two hundred years old." As he looked in the mirror and braided his hair, Legolas wondered to himself why he had to be so good-looking. And a prince to boot! With unparalleled archery skills, immortality, heroic deeds to his credit, piercing blue eyes, great hair... He could go on and on forever. He was exactly the kind of elf that women all over Middle Earth dreamed of. And that was the problem.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the LOTR characters. If I did, I wouldn't be posting here. So there you go! If you see an elven name that's not from LOTR then I took one of my friends' names and stuck it in a name generator. Enough said.

Chapter 2:

After an all-too-short walk, Legolas found himself at the humble abode of the healer. Mustering all his courage, he opened the door without knocking and was immediately greeted by the healer's young female assistant. She smiled warmly and said, "How wonderful to see you this morning, Your Highness. The healer will be with you shortly." Legolas nodded absent-mindedly by way of acknowledgment and took a seat as close to the door as he could manage. He studied every detail of the grain of the wooden walls while he contemplated all of the places that he would rather be than here. He was barely halfway through his list when he heard himself being called again, this time by the healer himself.

The healer is not that bad, Legolas thought, if I could spend some time with him on the archery range, or in a pub. But, unfortunately, they were in the healer's office. As always, the healer sat down on a low stool and patted a long couch by his side. "Lay down, dear boy, and make yourself comfortable." Legolas had no idea how old the healer was, but after about eight or nine thousand years, what's the point of even keeping score? Legolas dejectedly did as he was told and "made himself comfortable" by way of getting on the couch and fidgeting until it seemed rude to fidget any more.

To get things started, the healer said, "How do you feel? Has there been any change in your condition?"

Legolas sighed deeply and replied, "No, no I don't think so. I really thought that I had the problem under control after our last...visit...but unfortunately I have experienced several...episodes...since then."

The healer nodded thoughtfully and said, "And how does that make you feel?"

Legolas' all-time least-favorite question. But Legolas gritted his teeth and answered, "It makes me feel like I don't have any control over my own life! These, these...women...suddenly appear in my forest and I always end up sleeping with them. I enjoy it at the time, but it is not what I really want. I just feel so...used. And what kind of example am I setting for my father's subjects? I am a mighty elven warrior and member of the Fellowship, not some common call-elf!"

Legolas looked away from the healer, but continued, "Sometimes I am able to resist for a while, but so often I am stricken at first sight. I am drawn to them as if by some unseen force." He stared intently at the wall, as if it was the source of his troubles. And after a pause, Legolas continued with what was really bothering him.

"I am constantly bringing these women back to the palace, and if it wasn't bad enough for my father to see them, all of my acquaintances in Middle Earth are always there for a feast or a royal occasion, or some such nonsense. They have their own lives—why are they always in my palace when one of these women shows up? My father loves to entertain, but it simply takes up too much of his time. He has a kingdom to think of! And what of my friends? I always end up enlisting the help of one of my friends to go on a quest...How many times has Gimli come with me to rescue one of these foul temptresses?"

The healer continued to listen with interest, but did not want to interrupt Legolas because he could sense that they were making important progress.

The more Legolas said, the more he could not hold back. Talking faster and faster, all of his burdens spilled out. "And if that was not bad enough, all sorts of other jilted lovers that I never even knew I had show up! It seems as though every five minutes I am getting engaged, or breaking off an engagement... And children. Don't even get me started on the subject of children!" He moved his head so that he was staring at the stone ceiling and continued, "I know that my father wants me to produce an heir, but all of these illegitimate children cannot fulfill that purpose. I do not even know the names of all my children! Some of them I have never even seen!"

Legolas hung his head in shame and said, more quietly now, "I am so used to helping those in need. Perhaps I am simply too weak to resist. Or unable to discern those who are truly needy from those who are not. My skills could be put to use in the defense of our kingdom, but instead I fritter away my time here."

After a short pause, Legolas continued, getting increasingly more angry. "The details are a little bit different each time, but these women are always from some far-away land, and they've endured some sort of personal tragedy like losing their family, or being abused. And they are perfectly, impossibly beautiful! Sometimes they are disguised as elven maidens, and sometimes they are of the race of Men. I can understand that happening once or twice, but every week? And so many of them are named Mary Sue! Where do these women come from, and why are people in their land so unimaginative with names?"

The healer nodded again and said, "The issue here is not where these women come from, but how you are going to handle your next encounter. And what will you do?

Legolas took another deep breath and said, as if reading from a script, "I will learn to say no."

The healer nodded in encouragement and said, "That is very good, Legolas. And what else will you do?"

Legolas seemed less certain beyond "no", but he ventured, "I...I will recognize all these traits that I have mentioned and not allow myself to be involved with women who exhibit them. If it looks too good to be true, it probably is."

The healer seemed satisfied with this result, and thus closed the small notebook in which he had been taking notes and stood up, saying, "Well, my dear boy, I do believe that we have made some important progress here today. You understand that you are in a self-destructive pattern and you have identified ways to recognize when you are about to fall back into the same pattern."

Legolas rose from the couch with much effort and looked morose as he headed for the door. Just as he was about to pass back through the waiting area, the healer stopped him with a reassuring pat on the shoulder, saying, "You can beat this. I know you can."

With that, Legolas' session was over and he headed back out into the midday sun to make his way home. He did not want to admit to himself that he felt better after saying those things openly. He just wanted to get back to the familiarity of the archery range, where he could solve his problem with a bow and arrows, the way it should be.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the LOTR characters. If I did, I wouldn't be posting here. So there you go! If you see an elven name that's not from LOTR then I took one of my friends' names and stuck it in a name generator. Enough said.

Chapter 3:

As Legolas was speaking with the healer, Thranduil was attending to routine matters of ruling, which allowed his mind to wander back to the issue of his son. Thranduil felt that he had tried everything, and hoped that the wisdom and insight of the healer would yield a different result. Not only did his heart ache at the discomfort of his son, but he could not help but feel his own discomfort at the possibility that his failings as a father may have led to this. He just shook his head as he affixed the royal seal to the papers on his desk and hoped that Legolas would return refreshed.

Refreshed! That reminded him...In the hopes of providing Legolas additional emotional support, he had secretly invited many friends and loved ones to a great feast in the palace to coincide with Legolas' visit to the healer. Little did Thranduil know that this did not bode well for his son. Thranduil thought that being surrounded by those who truly cared about him, Legolas would forget these recent events. But Legolas' father could not see himself falling into the same pattern that Legolas had spoken to the healer about.

Thranduil had delegated the arrangements for the feast to one of his many attendants, Sirithtarma. As Siri stood in the grand dining room he mentally counted the number of places that would need to be set in advance. "Well, let's see. The Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn will be in attendance, as well Elrond of Rivendell along with his twin sons. And surely King Elessar and Queen Arwen will make the journey from Gondor, along with their compatriots the Prince of Ithilien and Lady Eowyn. And I have never known hobbits to pass up a free meal, so we must save a...shorter...table for the Ringbearer and his three kinsmen." With a sigh, he continued with lessened patience, "And who else shows up at these damn things? Well, you have to figure that Haldir will make an appearance to make Legolas' life miserable, along with Rumil."

Shaking his head, Siri muttered aloud, "I don't know about those two," before continuing with the count. "And, of course, His Highness' dear friend, Gimli, Son of Gloin, and the ever-present Mithrandir." Just to be safe, Siri figured that there would be several other hangers-on and elves who he had never met. "And Eru only knows who the Prince himself will bring to dinner!" Siri almost chuckled to himself about the ever-revolving door to Legolas' bedroom, but out of honor for the royal family and pity for Legolas, he could not quite bring himself to do it. With that thought, Siri headed for the kitchen to see how the preparations were progressing.

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And, lo and behold, before long the guests began to arrive. Some in attendance knew what had been afflicting Legolas, and others did not grasp the severity of the problem. However, they all agreed that Thranduil threw great parties and, for now, that was enough. Some of the guests had urgent business of their own in Mirkwood, but it was so secret that even those traveling with them did not know the true reason for their journey. They just would not understand.

Naturally, the elves were the first to arrive. The first party to arrive at the gates was that of Galadriel and Celeborn, accompanied by Haldir and Rumil. Thranduil was dressed in his ceremonial best—robes, crown, and all—and, most importantly, wearing a broad smile to greet his guests in the main hall. He extended a hand to Galadriel as she approached and said, "My lady, you look radiant. How wonderful it is to see you! It has been far too long. Please, come in and make yourself comfortable. You must be tired after your journey." He then acknowledged the other three elves with a polite nod and added, "It is also my pleasure to welcome you into my home once again."

With her great wisdom, Galadriel could immediately sense that something was troubling Thranduil. Even without her wisdom, the other guests, and the elves of the household, could see that his smile was a little too large and he laughed a little too easily. But none of them spoke openly of the unease in the palace, and Galadriel merely smiled in return and said, "We thank you for your gracious hospitality and we are honored to be your guests. It is wonderful to see you again, too!" With a much less formal air, she continued, "It looks like you have made some changes to the palace since I was last here. You must show me!"

As they were conversing, the rest of the elves—Elrond, along with his twin sons Elladan and Elrohir—joined them. When Haldir caught sight of them, he slipped out of his current conversation and caught the twins' attention with a purposeful look. Elrond had pressing matters to speak of with his mother-in-law, and paid little attention to the private conversation among Haldir, Elladan, and Elrohir. With so many elves in the room, it was difficult to carry on a conversation without being overheard, but Haldir spoke as quietly as he could. "Are you two here for the same reason I am?"

Elrohir replied with a laugh, "Have we ever refused a free meal?" But dropping his smile instantly, he continued, "Do you refer to the Secret Council?"

Haldir nodded gravely, "I do." Inclining his head towards their elders on the other side of the room, Haldir asked the twins with a sense of urgency, "Do they know why we are here? And what of Legolas? How much does he know?"

The twins looked at each other before Elladan ventured, "No. I do not believe that they know of our secret purpose. As for Legolas... I have not spoken with him for some time and am not certain where he stands on the subject. I believe you know that he has been somewhat... busy...of late." Haldir nodded again but said nothing more about Legolas.

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Meanwhile, Aragorn and Arwen were making their way from Minas Tirith. Arwen could not help but notice her husband's disquiet. Faramir and Eowyn had spent most of the journey conversing between themselves, oblivious to everything, but Aragorn was deep in thought and had said little to his wife. Finally, she was so disturbed by the silence that Arwen reached out towards him and said, "My dear, what is troubling you? You have barely spoken the whole journey. Whatever it is, you can share your burden with me!" He turned his head to look at her, but she continued before he could respond. As if trying to read his mind, Arwen narrowed her eyes and asked, "Is there some other purpose for this visit than a banquet? You look as if you are ready to go to war."

Aragorn forced a smile for his wife and responded, "No, I am not going to war." After a rather long pause, he continued, "As for the visit, you only need to worry about enjoying yourself." Arwen was not at all satisfied with this answer, but decided not to press the matter further, at least for the time being.

On the other hand, Gimli was traveling alone and consequently had plenty of uninterrupted time to spend with his thoughts. He knew, perhaps better than many others, of the depth of Legolas' troubles. Gimli could sense his friends' inner turmoil, even if Legolas had only briefly spoken to him of the matter. Gimli desperately wanted to help, but had no experience of his own in matters such as these. The number of dwarf women was so fewer than the number of dwarf men, that it was unlikely for one man to be overwhelmed by too many women. Part of Gimli wished that he had Legolas' problems, but the thought fled quickly when Gimli truly thought about what Legolas was up against. When he received word from Legolas' father, Gimli immediately started for Mirkwood so that he could assist his friend is anyway he could. Even if it meant another quest to rescue one of those...women...that Legolas seemed to meet so many of.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: So first I would like to thank my reviewers, because getting reviews on the first thing you've ever posted is exciting. You know it is! I will try to R&R some of your stuff in return. If I can ever tear myself away from my own writing.

OK. I got a question about the Secret Council. Now, if I told you what it was, then it wouldn't be a secret anymore! That will be the topic of chapter 5. So mark that on your calendar! And I got a request for more of the healer, and that is comin' up, too!

You will also notice a few lines from Monty Python and the Holy Grail sprinkled in here because it's cool and I watched it yesterday. And I still don't own the characters. If I did, Legolas wouldn't be having this problem. OK—here we go again!

Chapter 4:

Legolas did not want to admit it, but he did feel better after his visit to the healer. But what would the other elves think if they knew that he needed...help? He quickly banished that thought from his mind and focused on the fact that his reputation was at stake and he could not afford to keep embarrassing his father and himself with his childish antics. Legolas was disgusted with himself over how these mysterious women were controlling his life. He used to love to wander in the forest and take journeys to visit his friends, but now he was afraid of running into someone every time he left the palace grounds! How ironic that he resisted the power of the One Ring and killed orcs by the dozen, but could not overcome this constant temptation. Legolas knew that nothing could clear his head like some time on the archery range.

At that very moment, some girl somewhere was reading one of Tolkein's books, or watching one of Peter Jackson's movies, or gazing into a mirror, or singing into a hairbrush, or something, and dreaming of a whirlwind romance with Legolas. Preferably in less than ten thousand words, because she still had homework for the next day to finish. And by the sheer force of Literary Magic, she suddenly found herself in the forest of Mirkwood! What are the odds! If she had been old enough, she should have played the lottery with those odds. But since she could not play the lottery, she was sitting on the forest floor, in a rather low-cut, revealing dress. It was probably dark green, with gold trim, but does it really matter? And (she instantly remembered), her dress was rumpled and torn in places because she had been running for days straight after a miraculous escape from some orcs who burned down her village...and murdered her family...and left her for dead. Yes, that seemed about right. She had various cuts and bruises all over her body, but despite this, her waist-length blonde hair was perfectly styled and her beautiful face was perfectly made-up.

And, with those lottery-winning odds, who happened by but poor, unsuspecting Legolas himself, not one minute after the unfortunate heroine arrived in the forest. With Legolas' superior elven sight, one wonders why he can never see this coming. But the girl, Mary Sue, saw him coming from miles away and accordingly adopted a sufficiently pathetic pose. In the best breathy voice she could manage, she wailed, "Oh! I am so attractive and helpless! I have suffered through so much, is there no elf who will comfort me?" She was lying face down on the forest floor, with her head resting in her folded arms. Mary Sue stole a quick look through her blond locks to make sure that Legolas was close enough to hear her before she continued, sobbing, "I am not even from Mirkwood! I have no friends here and have no where to sleep or tend to my injuries. It's a good thing that the ground is soft and mossy, because I will have to stay here until someone rescues me."

When Legolas caught sight of her, he immediately thought, "Oh, no! Not again!" But that was quickly replaced with, "Ohhh, look at her! Definitely orcs did that. But yet, she must be the most beautiful elf I have ever seen..." He could already feel his anger rising at the idea that filthy orcs could have harmed this fair creature. Legolas almost continued walking to the castle, but he couldn't. This time, he swore that he would help her quickly and then continue on his way. He definitely would not bring her back to the palace! He bent down to touch her shoulder and said, "Are you all right?"

As soon as Mary Sue heard his voice, she knew that she had Legolas right where she wanted him. She batted her eyelashes with great dramatic effect as she wailed, "Oh, Your Highness, I could not think of taking up your time! I will wait here and I'm sure that someone else will come along."

Legolas thought that this was a little bit suspicious, but shrugged and said, "Nonsense! I am already here and I am expert healer. I can fix you up in no time." But as he gazed upon her perfect figure, he thought, suddenly in the third-person, "He wanted to run his strong hands up her...No, no no! Not this time!" Legolas gritted his teeth and told himself, "Focus. Just look though your pack, get some salve, and get the hell back to the palace." Unfortunately, applying salve did involve running his hands up and down her arms, legs, back...And that's exactly what Mary Sue had in mind. Legolas rummaged through his pack while he attempted to ignore her fake groans of pain. Or was she thinking about something other than the orcs?

As he dropped to his knees on the forest floor to tend to her, Legolas knew that he was beaten. Again. And as Mary Sue sat up (with no evidence of pain), grabbed him by his cloak and pulled him all the way down to the ground, Legolas knew that his first mistake was even looking at her.

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As if to outrun the shame of experiencing another relapse, Legolas hurried back to the palace and safety. To his horror, there was a dinner party in full swing! Only one seat was empty: his, next to his father's. Thranduil was so confident that Legolas would be coming alone that he had instructed Siri not to set an extra place next to Legolas. Instead he hoped that Galadriel's...calming influence...would help his son.

Haldir was seated closest to the door, and was first to see the prince stumble into the room. Their eyes met, and instead of making his usual quip at Legolas' expense, Haldir just looked away. Rarely did Haldir miss an opportunity to embarrass the prince, but this time Legolas did not need any help embarrassing himself. Besides, it would be completely inappropriate for the March Warden to even acknowledge such behavior. He did not want any of the other guests to mistakenly think that he condoned it. But it did not take long for the rest of the guests to notice the prince's arrival. A wave of quiet passed over the room until everyone, including Legolas, was completely silent. Thranduil was relieved to see that Legolas had arrived alone, but he could tell by his son's appearance that he had not been alone for very long.

Seated directly to Haldir's left were Elladan and Elrohir, who were very amused by Legolas' sudden entrance. For some reason, Rivendell just did not experience the number and type of visitors that Mirkwood seemed to, and they wished that it did. They looked at each other in a manner that said, "If only we had been there to help Legolas! We could have saved him from almost certain temptation...and maybe had a little bit of peril ourselves. Perhaps next time."

Elrond was sitting between his sons and his daughter, who let out a little gasp in spite of herself when she saw Legolas. Arwen had heard stories about his...exploits...but she did not really want to believe that they were true. But when she saw him with her own eyes, she could not deny it: hair full of leaves and twigs, no cloak even though it was autumn, pants ripped in a most...unfortunate...place. Arwen shook her head sadly that such an honorable elf had been reduced to this by his own lust and quickly turned back around to see the reaction of her father. Elrond, as always, wore an outward expression of calm, but he really was reflecting on how glad he was that none of his children ever disgraced him like this. To some degree, he was ashamed that any elf, especially a member of the Fellowship, could behave this way, but since the cool relations between Mirkwood and Rivendell were no secret, he didn't feel too ashamed.

Arwen then turned to her other side to see her husband's reaction. Aragorn wore a look of pity for his friend. Aragorn had experienced one or two youthful indiscretions in his day, but never one or two a week, as Legolas seemed to. He wished that there was something he could do to help, but this was something that Legolas would have to conquer on his own. This new incident did not help with the restlessness that Aragon had experienced on his journey there. He knew that there was one person who could help Legolas, but would it be too late when that person finally got the chance?

Gandalf immediately wondered if his "drawing out the demon" trick would work on Legolas as well as it worked on King Theoden. But it did not seem like the right time to find out. What would happened if the spell misfired and ended up drawing Legolas the rest of the way out of his pants? Indeed, that was something that the guests just did not need to see. Especially while they were trying to eat. So Gandalf resolved to find Legolas later and ask if he could be of any assistance.

Thranduil looked at his son, at the empty chair next to him, and at Galadriel on the other side of the chair. The king wore an expression of utter helplessness as he silently pleaded for her help. Thranduil knew that Galadriel was herself a parent and hoped that there was some advice she could share with him. Of course, Elrond was a parent as well, but...well, he was not that desperate yet. Thranduil even suspected that Elrond might be enjoying this weakness in the royal household and did not want to give him any more satisfaction.

Galadriel received the wordless message loud and clear. As always, she wore a mysterious half-smile to hide her true thoughts. In her time in Middle Earth, she had seen many things. Legolas' behavior was hardly a concern in the grand scheme of the world. She had foreseen that this would be a temporary problem. Granted, she had not expected it to last this long, but she did not give it another thought. Instead, she leaned over and lightly placed her pale hand on Thranduil's clenched fist, reassuring him, "It will be all right. This will pass."

Celeborn and Rumil sat with their jaws hanging open, not even hearing Galadriel comfort the king. Subconsciously, they might have realized how rude it was to stare without even attempting to be discreet, but it was not evident. After a few seconds, they both turned a bright shade of red as it occurred to them what Legolas must have gone through to end up in that state. Definitely some rolling around in the leaves, and...someone did not waste any time getting into his pants. They guessed that it was not part of a usual trip to the healer. If it was, they both resolved to see the healer more often when they returned to Lothlorien.

Next to them, Faramir and Eowyn looked at each other in complete surprise, as neither of them had ever heard of Legolas behaving himself in such a way. At a dinner party, no less! Neither of them had known Legolas that well, but what they did know of him was nothing but complementary. He had a reputation for being quiet, calm, serious, loyal to his friends, but nothing like this! They immediately looked to their host for his reaction and were surprised by his calm. Perhaps Thranduil had experienced this scene before...

But of all the guests, none were more surprised than the hobbits. Especially Sam, who was not entirely sure what the torn pants and messy hair signified, but he knew that for an elf, it could not be good. Wide-eyed with horror, Sam whispered, "Mr. Frodo! What has happened to Legolas? Do you supposed that he was attacked by orcs? Or some passing bandits who stole his cloak and tried to steal his pants?"

Frodo had a little bit better grasp of the situation, but chose only to reply, "I do not know, Sam. Perhaps we shall have a chance to speak of it with him later."

Merry and Pippin glanced at each other with a mischievous look, but said nothing. They had heard rumors, and part of the reason they had wanted to come to the banquet was to discover if they were really true. With their suspicions confirmed, they looked at Frodo and Sam to see if they had figured it out yet. When it appeared that their companions had not quite caught up, Merry and Pippin continued stealing quick glances at Legolas and then looking back at each other, barely able to contain their laughter.

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Despite his grief, Legolas still marveled at how far some of the guests had to travel, and without any apparent cause, for these events of his father's. But he did not spend any more time contemplating this, as he ran for his chambers as fast as he could with his damaged pants. Admittedly, this was not very fast. Legolas hated to prolong the spectacle in the dining room any longer than he had to, but losing what was left of his pants would be decidedly worse. Climbing the stairs was an adventure all in itself. A servant looked at Legolas with the slightest smile as they passed and Legolas yelled after him, "Get me a hairbrush. And some different pants!"


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: So I suppose I should keep putting a disclaimer up here. Still don't own any of the characters. And I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long, but do you know how time consuming it is to look for a job? I bet when I'm actually working again, I'll have more time to write. Odd. Anyway, here we go again!

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Chapter 5:

After washing up and putting on some clean clothes, Legolas sat down heavily on the end of his bed. The reality of what had just happened was sinking in. Once again, he had succumbed to the advances of a strange woman. And, even worse, practically everyone he knew in Middle Earth had seen him! He could try to deny it, but his appearance had left little to the imagination. Except perhaps for the hobbits, he chuckled to himself. But then his thoughts returned to the problem at hand. What would he say to his father? Or, perhaps worse, what would his father say to him?

After Legolas had made his sudden entrance and exit from the banquet, all of the guests shifted uncomfortably. They did not want to call attention with their silence to an incident that was obviously quite embarrassing to their host, but neither could one of them pipe up with, "So, how 'bout them Mirkwood spiders?" Nearly everyone handled the situation by looking down at their plates and picking at what was left of their food, since the main course had been served some time before. Fortunately, several servants came in bearing desert, which was the perfect distraction.

Several guests immediately fixed their attention on the servants, but Thranduil barely noticed them. He was torn between his two duties. On the one hand, he did not want to call any additional attention to Legolas' affliction by abandoning his role as host. On the other hand, he wanted immediately to speak with his son. But what would he say? His heart was filled with anger and sadness at the same time. Legolas was a disgrace to the royal house, but Thranduil loved his son and saw the genuine pain and remorse that Legolas felt for his actions. The banquet was almost over. The king knew that he could slip off relatively undetected later in the evening. He would stay and behave like the gracious host he was.

Galadriel, ever full of social grace, withdrew her hand from Thranduil's and broke the silence with a light, effortless smile. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I am quite ready for desert! King Thranduil, what delicacies have your renowned chefs prepared for us this evening?"

Hearing his name, the king snapped out of his thoughts suddenly. He had nothing to do with the planning of the menu, so he had no idea what was for desert. Oh, here it was already! He smiled back at Galadriel, inwardly thrilled that no one had said a word about Legolas. Yet. "My Lady, I do not know. I shall be surprised along with everyone else!"

This was the cue that casual conversation could resume, and the rest of the dinner proceeded without incident. After the meal, musicians took their places in the hall, but most of the guests were not in the mood for dancing. Some were, though. While a small group huddled in a corner, speaking in low tones, three couples spun in time to the music, oblivious to all else: Faramir and Eowyn, Galadriel and Celeborn, and Arwen and Elrond. Merry and Pippin were both trying to get Gimli to dance, but the dwarf would have no part of it. Gimli had consumed some ale that evening, but not enough to make him want to dance with a hobbit. Sam looked on in amusement, but it was only about to get better. Elrond announced that he had danced enough for one evening, and went to thank his host before retiring. This left Arwen without a dance partner. She scanned the room for her husband, but did not know where he had gone. Arwen thought little of this, even with her husband's strange behavior of late, since Aragorn often wandered off. She was having too much fun dancing to be bothered going to look for him, so Arwen resolved to dance with the next male she laid eyes on...Sam.

Sam was just starting to wonder where Frodo had gone, and getting ready to find him, when suddenly the Queen of Gondor was standing right in front of him. Smiling, she extended her hand. "Samwise Gamgee, may I have this dance?" Too dumbstruck to refuse, Sam let her lead him onto the dance floor.

As soon as Merry and Pippin saw this, they stopped teasing Gimli and realized that they had just missed a prime opportunity. But there were still two women on the dance floor! Who cared if they were married? With much zeal and little aplomb, Merry approached Celeborn and Pippin stood beside Faramir. The two hobbits said, almost in unison, "Can I cut in?" This made all four dance partners laugh out loud. But the man and the elf yielded.

Faramir turned to Celeborn and said, "I don't know about you, but I'm ready to sit out a dance or two."

Celeborn laughed again and replied, "I quite agree. Shall we find our host?" And find him they did, deep in conversation with Gandalf. Gimli also joined them, wanting to stay as far away from the dance floor as he possibly could. Part of him was tempted to approach Galadriel, but he thought better of it with her husband present.

Caring nothing for the festive atmosphere inside, Aragron was in the gardens, speaking urgently with the four other elves. He kept looking over Haldir's shoulder, afraid of someone overhearing. But those outside their circle were much too engrossed in dancing to notice them, except for Frodo. For the first time in what felt like years, Frodo was able to slip away from Sam. He didn't know what was going on, but with Legolas showing up to dinner like he did, all was not well. Aragorn saw the hobbit approach, but was not concerned. "Ah, Frodo. So glad you could join us. Our conversation concerns you, too. Do you know why we are all here?"

Frodo replied suspiciously, "I received a cryptic invitation. I do not know what it means, but I am here nonetheless."

Rumil nodded in assent. Aragorn, Haldir, and the twins knew more than they were letting on. He was glad to know that he was not the only one who felt like he was being left in the dark. But everything would be revealed at the Secret Council. He figured that he could wait until then.

Elladan turned to the hobbit and asked, teasingly, "So are you ready for tomorrow, little halfling?" His brother threw him an elbow, but Elladan didn't seem to care.

Frodo was still confused, however. "What happens tomorrow?"

"The Council!", sighed Haldir irritably.

"What Council?", asked Frodo, more confused than ever.

"The reason for your invitation!" Haldir wondered whose idea it was to even have hobbits at this meeting. It wasn't his idea, that's for sure. He thought that the problems of elves should be kept among elves. It had not occurred to him that non-elves might have a stake in the outcome, as well.

Aragorn knew that the details of the Council were only known to a few. What he did not know was whether Legolas was one of those few. He ignored Haldir's impatience and answered Frodo's question. "Meet me here tomorrow at noon. Then all will be revealed."

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After a time, even the hobbits had tired of dancing. His guests had been gradually returning to their rooms, so Thranduil finally motioned to the musicians that they were no longer needed. With a bow, the king excused himself from those who were left. He had lingered longer than he planned, but seeing the hobbits dancing was priceless.

Finally, Thranduil had summoned the courage to approach his son's door. He knocked. No answer. Another knock. More silence. The king opened the door slowly and extended a hand into the room, holding a faint candle. There was no sign of the prince. Well, that was not entirely accurate. The breeches that he had worn earlier were on the floor, along with a towel, and his bed coverings were slightly creased, but Legolas had definitely not retired for the night. Thranduil released a deep breath that he did not even know he was holding. He would have a few more hours to figure out what to say to his son.

Meanwhile, Legolas was formulating his responses to the tirade that he knew was coming. He had climbed out of one of his bedroom windows so that there was no chance of meeting someone in the halls. Especially his father. From his balcony, he was able to make a short jump to his favorite tree, where he always went when he needed to think. And he spent a long time thinking that night. Legolas could hear the sounds of music and laughter, and he longed to be part of it, but he couldn't bring himself to move.

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The next morning, many in the palace awoke reluctantly. Aragorn didn't awake, so much as see that it was light and decide to get up before his wife could ask where he was going. He wanted to tell her...But it was so much easier not to. He wanted to have some time alone with his thoughts before he met Frodo. And there was one more person he had to speak with before then.

Elladan and Elrohir, on the other hand, several doors down in their guest quarters, were so excited that they could hardly wait for noon to come. They went down to breakfast, but barely ate because they were so busy checking the position of the sun. Perhaps if they had better grasped the purpose for the meeting, they would not have been as eager to get there.

Gimli did not rise with the sun, as he was still feeling the effects of the previous evening's ale. But when he did finally get up, his first thought was of his elven friend. He had gone looking for Legolas after the king excused himself, but come up with nothing. Gimli did not want to look like a rude guest, but ever since he caught the glimpse of a half-dressed and completely disheveled Legolas at dinner, he had thought of nothing but speaking to his friend. So Gimli resolved to spend that morning continuing the search.

Everyone else had made their excuses, as necessary, and were making their ways separately to the meeting place, hoping not to arouse any suspicion. But the most important member of the meeting didn't even know about it yet.

It was late morning already when Thranduil once again had worked up enough courage to knock on his son's door. No one in the palace had seen Legolas since his appearance at the banquet, and the king was beginning to worry that Legolas had run off or done something else equally foolish. But this time, when Thranduil got no answer to his knocks, he opened the door to see Legolas standing on the balcony, looking out over the forest. Legolas turned to see who had disturbed his peace and turned away again when he saw his father. Thranduil quickly moved to stand beside his son. The king had spent the whole night formulating a speech equal parts compassionate and stern. But when he opened his mouth, something entirely different came out.

"Now listen to me, son. You will return to the healer right now. And you will see him every day until this problem is solved." Sensing that Legolas was about to respond, Thranduil continued, "And there will be no excuses. You will be able to see the guests when you return. If you weren't having this problem, you would have been present last night at the banquet to greet them when they arrived."

Legolas knew that his father's patience was quickly running out. And he couldn't blame him! Without a word, Legolas turned on his heels, grabbed his pack and weapons from where they were sitting on his bed, and strode out the door.

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As Legolas approached the healer's cottage, he could hear the sounds of low voices coming from within. He could not yet make out the words, or identify the voices, so he stopped walking. Could this be some sort of a trap set by his father? But what would be the purpose for that? Legolas was certain that his father must have sent a messenger ahead to inform the healer of the sudden appointment. Or did the healer have guests and not know that Legolas was coming? As much as he wanted to see the healer, he did not want to be seen by any of his father's subjects, so he hid in some bushes near the path. He was an elf. He had all the time in the world. He could wait a few minutes to see what was going on in the cottage.

Legolas did not have to wait long before he saw Haldir passing by, looking very nervous himself. Of all the elves that Legolas did not want to find him, it had to be Haldir! But to the prince's absolute astonishment, Haldir quickly rushed across the clearing to the healer's door. Without even a knock, the door opened and Haldir slipped inside. Before Legolas could even consider what this might mean, another familiar face came down the same path: Rumil. Just as Haldir had done, he entered the cottage without a word.

Taking a deep breath, Legolas decided to gather his courage and emerge from hiding. Haldir and Rumil had both seen plenty the previous evening, so a visit to the healer would not really be a concern anymore. Legolas did not knock. As he opened the door, his jaw dropped as he saw the chairs in the waiting room arranged in a circle, with his friends filling every seat but one.

The healer greeted him warmly. "Ah, Legolas. So good to see you again. Please sit down and we will get started."

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A/N: Well, I turned out to have more to say than I thought. So you will have to wait for the next chapter to find out about the Secret Council! But I do hope to have it written soon. Thanks again for all the reviews!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I know that it's been a couple of months since I posted anything, but I promise that this story will be finished eventually. My muse ran away when school started because she was afraid of being shanghaied into doing accounting homework. Oh, and by the way, I don't own anything.

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Chapter 6:

The healer greeted him warmly. "Ah, Legolas. So good to see you again. Please sit down and we will get started." But the prince didn't even hear him. With his elven senses, Legolas could hear a pin drop fifty miles away, but he had no idea what to make of the situation that he found himself in. Legolas briefly considered running away, but that seemed worse than just trying to act relaxed and play along with whatever the healer was doing.

When Aragorn saw the look on Legolas' face, he was afraid that the immortal elf might drop dead out of shock right on the spot. Aragorn assumed that Thranduil had sent his son here, but it dawned on him that the king might have failed to mention that Legolas would not be alone. Or did Thranduil not even know? Aragorn cast a furtive glace at the healer. He thought that the healer possessed great skill, but he was a little…odd.

Seeing the elf's continued bewilderment, the healer motioned gently at the single empty chair. "Would you like to take a seat?" Legolas did not want to call any more attention to himself, so he sat slowly, still dumbstruck. He looked around at all the familiar faces, wondering what they could possibly have in common.

Elladan and Elrohir were very eager to get started. A bit too eager, perhaps. As soon as Legolas sat, Elladan burst out, "Good! Now that Legolas is here, let's get down to business. I think my favorite story would have to be the time that my twin and I were on a journey between Rivendell and Lorien, and we came upon these two scantily-clad women…"

Elrohir was nodding in agreement, knowing exactly what was coming, but Aragorn quickly interrupted before the elf could get into too much detail. "Now, Elladan, that is not what this meeting is about."

The King of Gondor was such a kidder! With a dismissive wave, Elladan continued, "Nonsense! Now, these women had clearly been…taken advantage of, let's say, and…"

Haldir knew that they had all had experiences like that and he did not want to relive the pain of his own personal failures. He certainly wasn't proud of it! He yelled sharply, "Elladan!"

Elladan was shocked to hear an outburst like that from the usually reserved March Warden, but he did not want to be interrupted again. Aragorn placed a cautionary hand on the arm of his brother-in-law before the elf could say anything else. "My friend, this meeting is not about…ah… bragging."

The elf looked like he had just been slugged in the chest. "It's…it's not?" He looked at his brother, who was equally shocked at this statement.

The healer quickly got the group under control: "Now, everyone settle down. Each of you will get a chance to speak. In fact, let's start off again by just going around the circle. I want each of you to introduce yourselves and tell the group what brought you here today."

This caused the old friends to look at each other in confusion. The elves had known each other for thousands of years, and most of the group had formed deep bonds in the Fellowship of the Ring. Why did they need to introduce themselves? But, this was the healer's profession, so they yielded to the direction of the expert.

The healer was seated at the far end of the small room, closest to the door to his office. He looked to his right at Aragorn, who took a deep breath and began the introductions. "I am Elessar, King of Gondor, and I am here because I, too, have grappled with the problem that now plagues our elven friend. I have been able to resist successfully for three months now and I want to help Legolas reach that same goal." With he sigh, he continued, "It's a battle, but I take it one day at a time."

The rest of the group, except Legolas, who still didn't know what was going on, replied in unison, "Hello, King Elessar."

The introductions continued around the circle counter-clockwise. Elladan, still confused about the purpose of the meeting and embarrassed about volunteering his story so quickly, smiled sheepishly and continued, "I am Elladan, son of Elrond, and I am here because I was invited to come. And…ah…I suppose I was invited because I have _been with_ quite a few women who I…ah…didn't really know."

"Hello, Elladan."

Elrohir wanted to have as little to do with the meeting as possible now that he had discovered that it was not a collection of friends getting together to share their success stories. "I'm Elrohir. Everything that my brother said."

"Hello, Elrohir."

Rumil had been fidgeting with the trim on his cloak, not sure of what he would say, and it was already his turn. Cautiously, he ventured, "I am Rumil of Lorien, and I suppose that I feel out of place because I haven't had any of the experiences that it appears all of you have had."

Unable to help himself, Elladan exclaimed, "Wow. You don't know what you're missing!" This earned him glares from everyone except his brother, and a sharp elbow in the side from Aragorn.

Rumil seemed confused by this outburst, but gesturing to his right, he added, "I am here because the March Warden told me that it was required. He said that it was for my own safety."

"Hello, Rumil."

Haldir nodded approvingly at his subordinate and said gravely, "Yes, this is a serious issue for all the males of Middle Earth. I am Haldir, March Warden of Lorien, and…and even I have succumbed to these dangerous women who roam our lands."

Legolas did not mean to be rude, but he let out a small gasp in spite of himself. Haldir! The prince could not believe that the calm and inscrutable March Warden could be a victim of these same women that had beleaguered him. He thought back to the previous evening's dinner and understood why Haldir had turned away without comment on Legolas' condition. Haldir was many things, but he was not a hypocrite.

Either Haldir did not hear Legolas gasp, or he chose to ignore it, because he paused briefly and then continued, "I am deeply concerned about the effect that my transgressions will have on the morale of my troops and my duty to serve Galadriel and Celeborn." Haldir surprised even himself that he had said this out loud, so he quickly sat down before he let slip the real reason he had attended. It concerned a certain other elf who was neither Galadriel, Celeborn, nor one of his troops. But he was definitely not ready to share that with the group.

"Hello, Haldir."

Finally, it was Legolas' turn. He took a deep breath, but his fast speech betrayed his nervousness. "I am Legolas, son of Thranduil, and I was sent here by my father to receive treatment for my uncontrollable attraction to the strange women that appear in my forest." He hung his head and looked at the floor as he continued, "I am sure that you could all tell at dinner last night that I have been unsuccessful thus far."

"Hello, Legolas."

Merry looked up sadly at Legolas while he spoke. Merry thought that Legolas had called this meeting to explain to his friends what was going on. But, by the elf's reactions, it was clear that he was not the one in charge. Merry hadn't realized that Legolas' problem had gotten this out of control. But, in any event, he cleared his throat, and said, as tactfully as he could, "I have had some experiences with these women myself, but not directly. You know, just in passing. Anyway, I know how much trouble they cause and I want to make sure that I stay far away from them! Also, Sam made me promise not to let Frodo out of my sight."

"Hello, Merry."

Pippin, as always, was right next to Merry physically, but his mind was altogether somewhere else. It was wandering between the previous night's banquet, the last Mary Sue he encountered in the Shire…All over the place, really. But he mostly thought about the Mary Sue. He had been walking with Frodo, and this very attractive human woman would just not leave them alone. And, would you believe it, she…

"Pippin!"

"What?"

"It's your turn to speak!" hissed Merry.

"Of course. I was just pausing for dramatic effect."

Merry rolled his eyes, but Pippin continued undaunted. "Everything that Merry said."

"Do you even know what I said?" interrupted Merry, clearly exasperated.

"Of course I do!" replied Pippin confidently.

"Then what did I say?"

"Well, you said how wonderful it was to be here in Mirkwood and how we're all really concerned about Legolas' well-being."

"No, that is NOT what I said. Although, I do agree with that," Merry added reluctantly.

"Of course you do." Pippin nodded in a commanding fashion, pleased that he had once again managed to extricate himself from a potentially embarrassing lack of attention.

The healer cleared his throat. "Pippin?"

Pippin realized then that their charming banter was apparently not sufficient for an introduction. But, honestly, everyone knew who he was, anyway!

But, he did not want to hold up the group any further, so he cut right to the chase. "Well, I expected that Legolas would explain to us what happened to his pants last night at dinner!"

Several group members looked at each other, not entirely sure what to make of this frank admission. Pippin could sense their unease, so he quickly followed up with, "But now I see that it really needs no explanation, so I just want to give Legolas my support." Pippin beamed at Merry, so proud he was of his excellent recovery, but Merry just responded by rolling his eyes.

"Hello, Pippin."

The final person in attendance was Frodo. He had been smiling at Merry and Pippin's antics, but fell deadly serious again when it was his turn to introduce himself. "I am Frodo Baggins, and I came here because I received a mysterious invitation, as I am sure that many of you did, as well. I did not know the reason for this gathering until just this morning, and it amazes me to see all of you here. I thought that women only fell out of the sky in the Shire!"

"Strange weather patterns in the Shire, you know," interjected Pippin.

Frodo seemed to consider this statement for a moment, but continued, "I am so relieved to know that I am not alone."

"Hello, Frodo."

Satisfied that they had made it through the introductions with only one outburst, the healer nodded and took out his notebook as he said, "That was very good, thank you. Now, before we begin the general discussion, I would like to make clear a couple of rules that I have for group sessions. First, we are here to help each other, so unsupportive comments will not be tolerated. Second, only one person may speak at a time." He reached into his bag and pulled out a small stuffed animal to emphasize this point. "Only the person who is holding Cupcake may speak." Naturally, Cupcake was a likeness of an orc. The healer smiled as he added, "And if you need to take some frustration out on Cupcake, that is fine, too. Now, who would like to start?"

Primarily, Aragorn had been directing the discussions, both in the group and outside of the healer's cottage. But Haldir was the first to stretch his hands out to hold the stuffed orc. The healer nodded and tossed Cupcake to the somber elf.

"I would like to start by saying how glad I am that Legolas has finally joined us. The prince and I have had our differences in the past, but in the matter of these female attackers, we are all in this together."

Haldir clapped his hand on Legolas' shoulder and said, "My friend, if you could resist the temptation of the Ring, then I am sure that you can resist these women."

Legolas was surprised by this outpouring of emotion on the part of Haldir. Haldir's facial expression had not actually changed while he was speaking, but it was easily the most heartfelt thing that Legolas had heard out of him for five or six thousand years. Legolas was so stunned that all he could do was nod his head in acknowledgement and swallow hard.

Haldir tossed the stuffed orc back to the healer, satisfied that he had done his part in being supportive and relieved that he could now go back to being aloof for several thousand more years before he would have to be nice to Legolas again. Although, he did feel more of a connection with the prince now that they had this embarrassing experience in common.

The healer caught the orc and said, "Thank you, Haldir. That was exactly the tone I wanted to set for this discussion. Now, as you all know, this is Legolas' first time with us, while some others of you have been grappling with this problem for quite some time. As usual, I want to leave the floor open for any relevant comments, but perhaps some of you would like to share experiences that would be helpful to Legolas' recovery?"

At the word "recovery", the healer glared at Elladan and Elrohir, who in turn looked at each other innocently and then back at the healer. Satisfied that he had gotten his point across, the healer leaned back in his overstuffed chair and looked at everyone in the circle. "Anyone?"

Aragorn hated doing most of the talking in a situation like this, but, then again, he _was_ king. So he put out one hand and took the little orc from the healer. Aragorn turned it over and over in his hands as he spoke, wondering the whole time why women could not be more simple to figure out. He knew how to defeat orcs. What was it with these women?

"Well, I know that what made the difference for me was my wife." He looked at Legolas and sighed. "I know that does not help you in your struggle, but you have to find something that you care more about than instant gratification and physical pleasure."

Elladan and Elrohir started to interrupt in unison, "But what could be…"

Aragorn cut them off quickly. "Who has the orc, here?"

Elladan muttered under his breath something to the effect of, "Just because he's king and I'll never be king because my father is immortal."

Aragorn ignored them and continued, "Then, any time you are tempted, think about that instead of the situation at hand. Remind yourself of what you have to lose before it is lost."

Legolas was considering this advice while Aragorn handed the orc back to the healer. Frodo had already been leaning forward in his chair while Aragorn was speaking, but was better able to restrain himself than Elrond's sons. So the healer gave him the next chance to speak. But before Frodo could even open his mouth, there was a loud crash outside the door to the healer's cottage.

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A/N: Well, once again, I had more to say than I expected. So you'll have to wait (but not another two months) for the rest of the therapy session. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!


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